NEW TACTICS

Firstly I'd like to thank all of you who have posted comments, emailed or phoned me, or sent texts or cards with messages of sympathy and encouragement. Several people have also suggested treatments to look into or directed me to new research approaches, and others have offered practical help of various kinds. I really really appreciate your support - it's helped a lot, especially during the bleaker moments. 

Things have been ticking along since then. The chemo is still quite tough and I've continued to have problems with low blood counts, fairly full-on fatigue at times, feeling constantly cold and having tingling prickly sensations in my fingers in even quite mild temperatures, and discomfort throughout my digestive tract; but I try to remind myself that in the greater scheme of things it's relatively manageable. The good news to report is that after a while of feeling a bit low and helpless, I've had a fresh surge of energy to go and see some new alternative practitioners to try and help my body deal with the remaining chemo as well as possible over the next couple of months. 

Basically my (and their) plan is to focus on supporting my gut - partly because that's an area of the body which is disproportionately affected by the chemo, partly because that's the main area where I'm experiencing discomfort, and partly because good gut functioning is essential for the rest of the body to work as well as possible. This includes the immune system (which of course is also compromised by chemo), via the "friendly bacteria" which regulate microorganisms throughout the body, and gastro-intestinal enzymes which play a big role in detoxifying the body and ensuring good cell metabolism. Plus of course a well-functioning gut is essential for being able to absorb nutrients from food - something which is particularly important during physically taxing times.

So in the past week I've gone to see a nutritionist, who's prescribed some powerful probiotics and has recommended I cut out gluten from my diet (as it's relatively hard to digest so puts extra strain on a weak gut); I've started seeing a new acupuncturist (personally recommended by two independent sources) who seems very clued-up and competent as well as empathetic; I've booked a session in a far infra-red sauna (which is supposed to be more effective in helping the body sweat out toxins such as metabolites from chemo drugs - for more information see http://www.naturalnews.com/022847.html); and lastly I've started a course of colonic hydrotherapy. I'd always been rather sceptical about this (and a bit repelled by the idea), but given that my intestines aren't working very efficiently at the moment, it's very clear that waste products are building up - and it's likely that this is a major contributory factor to the abdominal discomfort and lack of appetite I've been having. Toxins from unexcreted matter tend to leach into the bloodstream, causing lethargy and malaise, and end up back in the liver (which has the task of cleansing the blood) - and I certainly don't want to be putting any extra strain on my liver at the moment. So it makes sense to me to help the whole system by cleaning out the gut over this period when it can't do it effectively on its own. I can't pretend it was a very pleasant process (and I did have a strong detox reaction afterwards, feeling weak and shivery for an hour or so), but I have felt noticeably less pressure, discomfort and bloating since, and it's helped already with appetite and how much I can eat at any one time.

All this has made for a busy week, but it feels really good to have a clear plan for the next (last) 3 rounds of chemo: that is, supporting my body to cope with the chemo as well as it possibly can, and reducing extra demands on it. The only downside is that there are now several extra practitioners to see regularly, and more appointments to squeeze into the non-chemo weeks. (I'm still also seeing the osteopath, a healer, a body therapist, going down to the Sussex doctor for a day every fortnight, having the odd Thai massage, and attending a weekly yoga class.) Looking at my diary for the next few weeks, it's almost exclusively filled with health-related things - it's a full-time job being a patient! 

This feels appropriate, given the critical nature of things at the moment - I want to give the chemo the best possible chance of working, and to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't have to be stopped early because of adverse side-effects. It's also given me a focus, a way of feeling that I can make a difference (even if it's only small), rather than helplessly waiting for the next onslaught of chemo, dreading it, but dreading it stopping as well. So it feels good finding a renewed sense of purpose for the next couple of months - and it's now easier not to worry so much about what might happen after that. 

The thing that has to give, especially with my limited energy, is socialising, as I simply can't fit in meeting up with people so much. Or rather, it would be physically possible, but if it means going out a second or third time in a day, or having no time to stop and rest in between engagements, or having to rush, I simply find it too much. Of course it's always lovely seeing people, including those I don't see so often, but I'm finding that at the moment it can also be quite tiring. Not at the time - I tend to rise to the occasion, get animated, and can carry on talking for hours! - but afterwards, while the other person may be thinking how well I seemed and how good my energy appeared to be, I discover I'm pretty weary. I need much more rest than I used to in order to do things in a relatively normal way, and my energy is limited so I have to choose how I use it. (There's a beautiful description of this at http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ - thank you to Emily who directed me to it!)

I'm saying all this to explain to the various (and touchingly numerous) people who have been in touch and suggested meeting up why I might not be taking them up on their kind offers at the moment. It's not personal, it's just that right now I simply don't have the time and energy to see more than a relatively small circle of close friends and family alongside this renewed blitz on improving my health. (I'm still playing in the orchestra every week, and although I'm trying to step back from some of my committee responsibilities, I'm still involved in the admin side too.) I imagine this will change when the chemo stops - that'll be a whole new phase - so this is just how I'm prioritising things right now. It's hard to say this, because when people have taken the trouble to contact me and suggest meeting up, I always feel a bit guilty saying no: I guess I easily put pressure on myself to fit everything in as I used to, as well as to show that I'm grateful for the offer of support. I've begun to get better at saying, "I'd love to see you, but not just now", and writing about it here is a way of giving some context to why I've been saying that. 

But please don't let that stop you being in touch - it's always lovely hearing from people and I really value knowing that people are thinking about me and caring how things are going. Email and texts are better than phone calls, as a rule, but of course whatever medium you're comfortable with is fine. Focusing on my health and how my body's doing all the time means I can get very insular and self-absorbed, so contact with other people (especially from different periods and aspects of my life), even if it's not face-to-face, is really important in helping me stay at least a bit grounded. 

What I don't want to become like.....