APRIL RAINCLOUDS

Health-wise I'm glad to say I've remained well, but it's been quite an intense and difficult month. Many of you, though not all, will know that my eldest nephew Robbie was diagnosed at 17 months old with a very rare neurodegenerative condition, Infantile Batten Disease, which is always fatal. It left him profoundly disabled, and from the age of 7 his round-the-clock nursing needs meant that he had to be looked after in a hospice, but he was very much part of the family and we visited him very regularly. When he was diagnosed he wasn't expected to survive beyond the age of 5, but he was amazingly resilient and we were fortunate to have had considerably longer with him in our lives than we expected. Sadly, through this spring he deteriorated, and he died at the end of April, aged 12. Although we'd known that this time would come, it was still very hard to lose him, but my sister Belinda and her family (they have 2 younger sons now aged 10 and 5) organised a very moving and beautiful funeral service. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was very worried that I might die before Robbie, and not be around to support my sister, brother-in-law and nephews when his life ended. So I'm extremely grateful and humbled that I'm still here, and that I was able to be part of marking his short but immensely important life with us all.

Belinda and I with Robbie and Eddie in 2005

With Robbie, David and Eddie in 2007

Throughout April, knowing that this was imminent, it was sometimes frustrating to have a number of immoveable deadlines (though at other times it was good to have distractions). I spent a lot of time finishing my distance learning course and writing the assignment, and I also had a fair amount of preparation to do for an orchestra concert (both administrative, and my own personal practice). I part-own a rental flat with my sisters, and as we had a change of tenants recently we took the opportunity to get some maintenance and decorating work done. When I was working full-time I put much less time into the flat than my sisters did, so it was good to be able to redress the balance by sharing the load more equally with my sister Annabel, but of course it needed to be done to a schedule and (as ever) took more time than I'd anticipated.


At the end of the month was my birthday, and although I was happy to celebrate just in a low-key way with a few close friends, it still felt a very significant milestone. I hadn't really expected to reach my birthday in 2011, let alone 2012, and while I didn't have much time to think consciously about it, I was aware of feeling a bit emotional about it. I often feel as though I ought to set aside space to analyse and process my feelings, and to reflect on my life in some profound way, but in fact I mostly tend to avoid thinking too deeply, finding it easier to focus on day-to-day tasks. But perhaps that's no bad thing.