THANK YOU

I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you to all of you who responded so generously, sympathetically and warmly to my last update - in blog comments, emails, texts, cards, letters, on Facebook, and by sending flowers. I tried to reply individually to as many people as I could, but if I haven't been in touch with you directly, please know that I'm truly grateful to know there are so many people out there who care about me. 

I also really appreciate the offers of practical help as well, and I'm sorry that I don't really know what to suggest people can do. Although I do feel quite weary at times, and it can be a bit of a drag to do normal household chores and so on (as I'm sure everyone feels from time to time!), that's not really a problem: what's hard is dealing with things emotionally, keeping on top of all my appointments, making decisions, and holding it all together - and no-one else can really do those things for me. I realise it must be very frustrating for friends and family who desperately want to help by doing something concrete - but please know that (at the moment) the support I need is mostly to know that I'm thought about, and having people interested in what's happening with me, rather than having things done for me. 

So please don't underestimate the importance of simply getting in touch every once in a while (even better if I don't always have to reply!), as so many of you have done recently. 

However, on a more practical note, for those of you I see regularly: coming up with ideas of nice things to do, trips out and so on, would be wonderful, as when I'm feeling low in spirits or energy it can be difficult to think creatively, or even imagine what might feel fun. Plus it can feel a lot of effort to research or organise things, so having someone else take charge of the arrangements is even better. I hope that helps a bit.... 

I'm feeling a lot better now than I did when I last wrote. It's funny, I understood at the time that the news from the last scan wasn't particularly bad (certainly not as bad as some results or consultations I've had), but it kind of tipped me over into realising just how much effort it takes to hold things together emotionally, and how utterly exhausted I feel after more than two and a half years of keeping myself going, picking myself up each time I get knocked back, and trying to maintain a balance between a "normal life" and adjusting to a completely different way of relating to my body, my identity and my future. Definitely a case of the last straw breaking the camel's back (or at least resulting in the camel lying down and feeling unable to carry on for a while)...

Yet I think that's bound to happen every so often, and isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a way it's reassured me that I can have a period of feeling weepy and overwhelmed and unable to keep up my "normal" front, and still come out the other side and be able to carry on again afterwards - my default setting is being afraid that if I let my feelings fully come to the surface, I'll simply get swamped and never be able to recover, so this last fortnight has proved that that's not the case. I certainly feel more stable again, and am trying to make the most of that while it lasts.