July, and yet another stay in Bad
Salzhausen... The start of this visit was made much more pleasant by having my friend
Mischa with me for the first couple of days. It was great having company
to go to cafes, for walks, and into nearby Nidda, as well as sitting over
breakfast chatting – at times it felt like being on holiday!
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| Mischa in Nidda |
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| Bridge and waterwheel in Nidda |
However the main
thing I valued was having someone see and experience, and understand, what it’s
like here – the ups and downs, the frustrations, the camaraderie, the unique
kinds of conversations that take place. Of course I’ve talked about clinic life
to lots of people, but describing a place is never the same as experiencing it. (Another friend, Sharon, came to accompany me home from my first visit here, but unfortunately wasn't able to stay long; Jacqie came with me on my reconnaissance visit so knows what it all looks like; but Mischa is the first to get much of a feel for the rhythm of clinic life.) One thing she commented
on was the amount of effort which goes into organising my care here - as an
out-patient you have to chase up everything, from blood tests to infusions to
making appointments to arranging for prescriptions of supplements, not to
mention booking transport and guesthouse. So it was nice to have that
acknowledged, and to realise that it’s no wonder I find it hard work at times!
In addition I found it
extremely validating to have someone from home “bridge” these two worlds I
inhabit. At home, because I look and seem fine, my friendships and
relationships have mostly remained quite similar to how they’ve always been –
we meet up, go for coffee or a meal, talk about what we’ve each been doing –
and although of course I talk about my treatments, my dilemmas about the
multitude of contradictory advice out there, and how I’m feeling, I’m still in
the role of someone who’s “well” and (although no longer working) living a
fairly “normal” life. I don’t in any way want to think of myself as “ill” (and I work strenuously to avoid taking up that role, including not asking for help),
but when I’m at the clinic I am of course a patient, and undergoing medical
treatments, and am surrounded by people who, to varying degrees, are unwell,
and our common ground is our unwellness. (The good and bad parts of being at
the clinic both stem from being connected to other people through unwellness…)
And although I don’t
want people at home to think of me as “ill”, at the same time it’s been quite
strange having such a big part of my life somewhat invisible, out of sight here
in Germany. So sharing that with someone from my London life felt very
positive, and
left me feeling quite buoyed up.
Sylvia, it was a privilege to be able to spend some time with you in the clinic and to see what you have been going through. I learnt a lot, and although I can't deny that it was hard to be faced so closely with cancer (more generall in the clinic and in hearing people's stories but also through conversations with you, with your experiences of it) I am so glad that I came. Those reading who know me well will know I don't always do the best job of facing things, preferring in a crisis to "get on" with things, so it was a lesson to me that a reality check need not be scary, but can be positively enlightening!
ReplyDeleteCertainly I could see what hard work it must be at times, but I think what struck me most of all was the warmth and camaraderie between people. So whilst I know that going isn't always the most appealing thing to do, I'm glad that you've found somewhere that you can relax and talk freely about your experiences. Apart from anything else, the setting really is lovely.
At the same time, I'm sure whilst it must feel as though there are two worlds to bridge, perhaps that's not a bad thing, and talking less about it in one makes it possible (and appealing) to be more open in the other, and that maybe the bridge is not that wide! . From a personal point of view, I think that meant that at times I felt I needed to talk about things other than cancer just to be able to deal with it, but that since being back I've thought and talked about it a lot, so in some ways the gap feels smaller.
Anyway, thank you for sharing it with me, and hope I've made some sense!
Love Mischa