...AND ON TO THE CLINIC AGAIN

From Heidelberg I took the train to Bad Salzhausen for another 10-day stay at the clinic, and once there I realised how tired I was, both physically and emotionally. Fortunately there were a few fellow patients who I already knew, including my friend Hilary, so I had congenial company for meals without feeling like I had to go through all the usual "what kind of cancer do you have? what treatment have you already had? when were you diagnosed? how are you finding the treatments here? how did you find out about the clinic? what does your doctor think about you being here?" which is the standard small talk here. These topics of course can be very interesting and bonding, but sometimes - especially after so many visits - I just can't face telling my own story again and summoning interest in other people's, so it was wonderful to be able to bypass all that and not have to put up a sociable front. (By the end I did get to know some new people, but it was a relief not having to do so straight away.)


I took it very easy (especially compared to last time, when I had a constant list of things to do), and instead went for walks, read books, watched DVDs on my laptop, and slept for hours every night. At the weekend I asked for the needle to be taken out of my port so that I could go to the mineral baths for a swim (it's usually left in for the whole stay, so that infusions can be given, and blood taken, easily, but it has to be kept dry), and I spent a lovely relaxing afternoon in the warm salty water. I also made regular circuits of the parks, playing around with my camera and experimenting with trying to catch the colours and the play of light.

The chemo procedure in the middle went fine: they had some problems cauterising the wound so I had to wait 4 hours instead of the usual 3 to make sure it had clotted properly (as the tube is inserted into an artery, any bleeding afterwards could be very serious), but I felt much better than last time when I'd had some inflammation around the chemo site afterwards. Having feedback from the scans is nerve-racking every time, but to my relief things seem to be stable still. The surgeon is pleased, and has agreed we can leave it for a slightly longer gap next time, so I don't need to go back until early July - fantastic news!

As always, I felt a bit tired for a few days afterwards, and I also realised that my sense of taste is temporarily affected by the chemo - it's quite subtle, but I've noticed how, for several days after each procedure, despite feeling hungry I have no motivation for food. I'd thought it was just that by that stage of the visit I was getting fed up of clinic food (which is quite bland, and not always appetising), but this time I realised that actually my taste buds are a bit dulled, taking the enjoyment out of eating and making the process very unappealing. However, it wears off after a few days - and in fact, going out for dinner at a local restaurant one evening helped enormously, so maybe it is partly psychological after all!

The weather was mixed, sometimes chilly and grey, once swelteringly hot and culminating in a massive thunderstorm, but there were a few pockets of properly warm sunshine, which I made the most of - there's something so blissful about lying in the sun with your eyes closed, with the sound of birdsong and the smell of freshly-mown grass. Cliches I know, but still very idyllic, especially for a city girl!