SPRING IN BAD SALZHAUSEN

I've just come back from my seventh visit to Dr Herzog's clinic in the second half of March. I wasn't much looking forward to it - not least because in the month or so since my last trip 3 people who I'd met there have died. I've felt very sad for them and their families, plus of course it's a stark reminder that in spite of all the positive spirit there, cancer is still a formidable illness. 


Yet day to day I make sure I don't focus on that, and although I don't know exactly how much effect one's attitude has on the body, it certainly makes life a great deal more bearable to assume that I can make a significant difference to the quality and length of my life. So I geared myself up for the stay by stopping off en route for a relaxed weekend in Brussels with my friend Catherine, which I really enjoyed, and which meant I arrived at the clinic feeling encouraged and positive. It was lovely to meet old friends and new, and to find that the warmth and support continues just as strongly between fellow patients.

Meal out at the local Greek restaurant

There were some irritations - the clinic was very busy, and things were a bit chaotic at times. You soon start feeling vulnerable when the nurses are so busy they're forgetting things, and feeling angry can quickly follow on from that (especially when you're paying a considerable amount of money for the treatments), so there were quite a few disgruntled conversations at mealtimes, swapping stories about things slipping through the net or not happening as they should. Some of these clearly need to be addressed, and a number of us fed back constructive criticism in various ways. However, it also made me realise how focused I am on efficiency (linked to my constant drive to be "busy"), and how impatient and judgemental I can get with others as well as myself (though I do my best not to show it). Getting irritated when things take longer than I want isn't a very therapeutic state of mind, so I'm working on learning to be less fixated on how things "should" be, and to let go of what I can't control. A tough challenge for a control freak! but I guess you have to start somewhere.


The chemo procedure in the middle went smoothly, and although afterwards I had some side-effects of a slightly inflamed stomach and abdomen (the blood supply to the stomach is very close to the site of the chemo), both the surgeon and Dr Herzog are pleased with how I'm doing. I certainly feel very well overall on the the treatment, and I'm delighted that both doctors agreed to leave 7 weeks till the next procedure, to see whether we can maintain this progress with a longer interval. If not, we'll bring forward the subsequent treatment, but if things stay stable we'll try to increase the time between, bit by bit.


Like most of Europe, we had a spell of wonderful spring weather, and I made sure to spend at least some time every day out in the parks, walking, listening to the birdsong, and soaking up the sunshine. 

One of the parks here has a collection of modern art and sculptures, which I've passed many times but didn't know anything about. However this time a fellow patient met one of the artists, who kindly took a group of us around the park to tell us about the works. They're mostly from various symposia, where artists from both Germany and further afield come for 10 days and work in situ on their pieces. Some works are figurative, others more abstract, and it was fascinating to understand a bit more about their meanings and intentions. 

I've taken lots of photos of the artworks over my various visits, so I'll include more on later posts.

"Easter tree" in the clinic dining room

I wish you all a very happy Easter!

REFLECTIONS ON BUSYNESS

With apologies for the cliché, time's flown since my last trip to Germany. Like pretty much everyone I know, I feel constantly busy. My impression is that most people view being busy as inevitable, but mainly see it as a good thing overall (I'm sure people would worry about me if I seemed at a loose end), but recently I've been thinking that I pack too much in. 

To give you a flavour of my current lifestyle, health takes up a lot of time: as well as the acupuncture, homeopathy, healing and occasional therapy appointments (and routine blood tests at the Marsden), I've started going to an alternative doctor in Sussex who continues the programme of vitamin C infusions and oxygen therapy which I have in Germany. It's a couple of hours' drive away so I try to combine it with visiting my sister Annabel and / or friends nearby. I also try to make exercise a regular habit, mainly swimming and walking plus the odd run, and keep in touch with as many people as I can manage. Despite stopping work I still read psychology journals, along with researching cancer and reading a wide range of self-help and inspirational books. At the same time I'm very conscious of the importance of relaxation and  rest, and know I should be scheduling them in more often than I do.


I've continued to be very involved with the orchestra, which is satisfying but can require a lot of admin and liaison (as well as practice!). I've rather rashly volunteered to coordinate the programmes for the next concert, including writing programme notes on the music, compiling the orchestra list, and liaising with the printers. I'm also doing a distance learning course on theoretical approaches to humanitarian work (which I'd started before I was diagnosed but put on hold for a while), and during the 10-week semester I'm spending about 6-8 hours a week on structured self-study, with a 4000-word assignment due at the end of April.


In addition, since last summer I've embarked on a major overhaul of my flat. I've been living there for nearly 18 years, and as you can imagine I'd accumulated a huge amount of stuff in that time. I've cleared out cupboards, wardrobes and the attic, with countless trips to the charity shop and tip, and have been slowly but surely reorganising my filing systems, paperwork and storage. In addition I've set up my spare bedroom as an office, which involved getting rid of the old furniture and replacing it, some rewiring and new sockets, moving a radiator, and treating a couple of damp patches before repainting. 


I've also had insulation put in the attic above the front of the flat and in the flat roof at the back, and installed an airflow system to combat the previous condensation problems, and I've put in new highly-efficient windows throughout. That's most of the structural work done, and the next phase is finishing the sorting, labelling and clearing out of years worth of correspondence, psychology training notes and photos, plus getting the rest of the flat redecorated, including replacing pictures and prints, and having new curtains made. A new kitchen, with a properly-functioning oven and better use of the very limited space, is also in the plan, and I've been wading my way through the endless choices and options. 


It's an exciting and absorbing project, and feels therapeutic both in terms of improving my living space and at the metaphorical level of clearing out old junk. However, it's also time-consuming and at times frustrating and overwhelming, especially since I hugely underestimated how long it would take (and I've spent way too much time flagellating myself for not having got it finished yet).


With all this, my life feels just as busy, and often just as pressured, harrassed and exhausting, as it did when I was working full-time. I'm slowly coming to realise how high my expectations of myself are, and how compulsively I fill my time - perhaps partly to prove to myself and others that I'm still achieving things in spite of the cancer. Although of course that's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm beginning to see how easily my to-do lists take over, and how much extra stress I add to my life by worrying about what I haven't yet finished or achieved. Not surprisingly, the pressure to make the most of my time is very strong since my diagnosis, and can easily be counter-productive.

I'm finding it a challenge to change my thinking and my habits - it feels quite scary to let go of constantly trying to improve myself - but I know it's important to find a way of enjoying my life right now, not "when I've just got these next few things finished...." So I'm trying to keep in mind this lovely quote I came across by Thoreau: "Life is too short to be in a hurry". I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it!