JANUARY BLUES (GREYS?)

I returned to Dr Herzog's clinic just after New Year for another 10-day stay. The clinic had been quite quiet over the festive period, but elaborate Christmas decorations were still up.

Main entrance to the clinic, festooned with lights

Rather kitsch, but 10 out of 10 for effort!

Lots of people have commented on how positive I always seem, so I'm sorry to disillusion you, but I had a few low days there this time. I'd been very tired even before I arrived (I think the skiing took a lot out of me), and after the escapism of a holiday, followed by Christmas and New Year celebrations, being back in a medical setting was an unwelcome return to reality. Plus I went down with a cold, and felt rather miserable and sorry for myself. It's funny how you get used to coping with the big stuff, but it's the little things which feel like the final straw and bring out the self-pity! So I wasn't particularly sociable at first, and didn't go out for my usual walks (the weather was a bit depressing too, not cold but almost constantly grey and rainy and windy), and instead spent a few afternoons curled up on my bed, reading or watching DVDs on my laptop to distract myself. I also used Skype a few times to talk to close friends and family, and that was a wonderful morale boost when I needed cheering up. 

By the second half of my stay I'd stopped moping, and I enjoyed getting to know my fellow patients and their accompanying partners / adult children / parents / siblings. As ever, it was fascinating, reassuring and awe-inspiring to hear their various stories. There are almost always similar themes, but of course every person's experience, and response to their situation, is unique, and although occasionally I'd get to a point where I didn't want to talk about cancer any more, most of the time I find it really interesting. I think that not only does it validate, and give perspective on, my own experiences, but also focusing on someone else takes me out of my absorption in myself and my health. In some conversations, especially with people on their first visits, I was able to pass on information about how the clinic system works (or sometimes doesn't!), just as others helped me negotiate it when I first arrived. Now that I'm not working it's harder to find opportunities for feeling useful and knowledgeable, so it was great for the ego to be able to be back in that role again!

All went fine with the chemoembolisation procedure - it's never particularly pleasant, and I'm always a bit exhausted and sore afterwards, but Professor Vogl, the surgeon, is happy with how I'm doing, and so is Dr Herzog - so I'm booked in for early February for the next one. And as usual all the other treatments have been very effective in raising my energy levels and keeping my immune system relatively unimpaired. So I've come home with the positivity back in place!

A break in the clouds - I guess there always is one if you wait long enough....